Preparing for Marriage

Who of us has received an adequate education on how to romantically pursue another person? Is there a class on it?  Are our parents responsible to teach us? What about the education system? Yet how many of us would say that having romantic relationships is one of the most important parts of this life? Arguably none of us have really received an education on what may be the most important relationship to pursue and foster.

I personally love the work by Dr. Patrick Carnes. He is an expert on addictions and intimacy and he has come up with 12 stages of courtship. He states, “One problem is that there is no systematic and reliable way in our culture to learn the basics of courtship. You probably never attended a course that taught you how to appropriately and successfully flirt. Courtship failure can mean that you start repetitive patterns because what you do does not work. So it is important to learn the basic elements of courtship.” 

1.       Noticing

Beginning to see attractive traits in another person. Along with seeing the good, we can look for traits that don’t appeal to us. Righteous judgement is necessary here. In an existing relationship, we must continually be mindful of traits that are desirable in the other person.

2.       Attraction

Though the first part of courtship is noticing attractive traits, this next level involves feeling the attraction- while considering acting on it.  Curiosity ensues. To do this well (and not make stupid choices), a person must be able to determine what is suitable for themselves in relationship. It is discovery that drives passion. Continuing to "discover" your partner can keep the relationship strong. 

3.       Flirtation

Once the “target” has been acquired (haha, joking), flirtation sends information that conveys interest and attraction.  Various cues are sent and received- knowing when this is appropriate requires being functional (not dysfunctional).  Long-term love relationships continue to flirt.

4.       Demonstration

This is where a person displays what they bring to the relationship. Skills, qualities, hobbies, etc. If the receiver is interested in the “sent” message, the sender experiences great pleasure.

5.       Romance

This is when passion enters. Not only are we aware of attraction and express it, but vulnerability occurs. Self-worth is required in receiving true expressions of love. It takes a level of risk to put yourself out there. Furthermore, this necessary self-worth means determining the accuracy of the other person’s involvement- as opposed to a projection/imagined feelings. Carnes cuts to the core with this question: “Are the people selected consistently positive, or bad choices for you?”

6.       Individuation

Be yourself. Be authentic. If intimacy is about knowing and being known, how can this occur if you aren’t honest with who you are?  You can be free to be truthful with what you think and feel, all the while being respectful and caring for the other.  A healthy person can survive the tension of not having the other person be exactly the same.

7.       Intimacy

The passion of early relationship will fade.  Let me say this again: the passion of early relationship WILL fade. It is not meant to stay at the “honeymoon” high forever. Here’s what’s special: there is opportunity to deepen. It can become more meaningful and desirable. This takes work, sacrifice, maturity. It takes a steady commitment to the outcome. 

8.      Touching

For physical touch to be beneficial, it must be underscored by care, good judgment, and trust. It respects the context and another person’s boundaries. Without another’s consent, touch destroys trust. However, great healing can come from respectful touch from someone who is safe and meaningful to you.

9.       Foreplay

Passion- as expressed sexually- builds through foreplay. This exciting stage is often reported as the best part of sex, though in our fast-paced culture, it is often rushed. Sometimes even missed altogether because of misunderstanding and miscommunication that vary with the different genders. 

10.   Intercourse

The best sex requires the ability to let go, trust the other person and yourself with being transparent.  Many couples struggle with this because of control or trust challenges. Surrender. 

11.   Commitment

Being able to form meaningful relationships requires a deep commitment. Stability occurs when commitment and faithfulness are present. Meaningful relationships offer a connection that is so deep it is craved. 

12.   Renewal

Maintain the relationship. Let one another know they are valuable. This step moves you beyond habit and to the continual renewal of their relationship. This is the most important step that unfortunately is not spoken of as much. 

Nowadays there is no risk in engagement anymore. Men only get down on their knee when the girl is fully committed and he knows her commitment. The man needs to be “all-in” first and ask her for her hand maybe before she even knows she’s committed. There needs to be a risk involved. A vulnerability. And I believe if we follow Carnes’ 12 steps to courtship into marriage then that vulnerability will be met with love and compassion.