RAM Know

Dr. John Van Epp wrote the book "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk." In this book he presents the Relationship Attachment Model as a way to build secure relationships. This book took me about a month to read over this summer because I found myself really dissecting how it applies in my relationships. 

The first step in the RAM is: Know.

Choosing the one that you are going to build a life with requires a searching and revealing inventory of said person. The first step in this inventory process takes place in getting to know them. Knowing someone means that you deeply know the best and worst parts of them. Know what gets them up in the morning. Explore what drives them to do and say what they do and say. Discover who they are as an individual outside of their title boyfriend/girlfriend. The process of getting to know them involves having conversations of mutual self-disclosure involving their past, their family-of-origin, their mistakes and their triumphs experienced thus far in life. The more you know someone the better you can make an informed decision regarding your relationship with them. This makes “know” the essential first step in the Relationship Attachment Model.I believe one of the greatest ways to get to know someone is to first know who you are. You can only know someone as deeply as you know yourself. So if you desire to have someone who is vulnerable in their emotions, can communicate well and is able to see you for the light that you are, then you first must nurture that relationship with yourself. Christ is an advocate for our individual journeys of self-discovery. In Matthew 22:36-39 He is asked, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” and Jesus says to him, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment.” Then He continues, “And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” To love another we must first love our self and that means we intimately know our self.

How then can one obtain this level of knowing? Christ answers that in Matthew 11:29 when He says, “Learn of me.” He extends an invitation for us to spend time with Him. When we spend time with Christ we learn of His true nature which subsequently teaches us who we are because we are made with the divine potential to become like Him. If you have ever pondered the question “who am I?” I would encourage you to go to the great I Am. Spending quality time with yourself, your Savior and the one you hope to spend your life with is how you will get to know them. Establish your autonomy so that you can give and receive understanding in your intimate relationships.